If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
You Might Also Like
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire