If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.