if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Goodnight 🐶
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW