If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*Seductively hides in the woods
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”