If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
The first one, obviously
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.