If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

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Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..


The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.


Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours


If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank


“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.


“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.


Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.


This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.