If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.