If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months