If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.