If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
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[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?