Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today