If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
What if the weather talks about us?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work