If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My new favorite headline
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes