If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
The old gods are rising again.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Dear Lord..
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.