if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
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I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.