If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
President The Rock Obama
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
britain’s three elite institutions
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.