If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty