If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
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Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less