If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Who says great literature is dead?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”