Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁