If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no