@MomofTeen

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

You Might Also Like

@kevinthedad

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

@bobvulfov

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

@Social_Mime

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

@tobyhonk

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

@daemonic3

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

@TylerLinkin

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

@Jesssicle

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

@iAmDelFreaky

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

@UNDEADTRESOR

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁