If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Flowers bee like
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem