If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
sistine chapel
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Every time.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart