If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES