if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
oh you wanna fight?!
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too