If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
this makes me so uncomfortable
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective