@wittwitbarista In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
@NikiWithIssues If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
You Might Also Like
@wittwitbarista 
@TheCatWhisprer Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
@midnightwhale [police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
@Daveastated Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
@AimeeHelene1 “And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
@JimmerThatisAll The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
@EndhooS Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
@stats_canada 84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
@kunalkamra88 I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
@crunchenhanced A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.