If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious