If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner