If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.


[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.


Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.


“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)


The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.


Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*


84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”


I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.


A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.