@NikiWithIssues

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

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@wittwitbarista

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

@midnightwhale

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

@Daveastated

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

@AimeeHelene1

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

@JimmerThatisAll

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@stats_canada

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

@crunchenhanced

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.