If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.