If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-