If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.