If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
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Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
San Francisco has too many rules
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what