If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE