If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.