If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.


detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.



How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit


I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*


I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.


Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.


GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]


Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE