If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
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Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
the three branches of government
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle