If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
You Might Also Like
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
It’s a gift
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up