If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war


him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go


Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.


Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.


If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.


[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.


Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw


Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.


I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.