If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.