My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.