If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.


I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.


How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.


[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*


Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”


[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”


Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.


8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.