If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
In space, no one can hear…
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years