If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.