If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
The prophecy is fulfilled
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands