if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting