If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*