if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???