[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You Might Also Like
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Wednesday
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
okay run it by me one more time
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.