If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure