If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.