“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
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7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”