If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
A French press is when you hug naked
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
This pepper has seen some shit
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!