If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

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*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.


Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.


“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.


Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.


Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.


Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato


Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.


If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.


[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*


Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.