@FrogAvalanche *leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
@ieatanddrink If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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@FrogAvalanche 
@krishna_van Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
@WilliamAder “America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
@JllyJllyFish Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
@Stoned_Deva_ Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
@AnOrangeSNES Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
@Breadery Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
@trevso_electric If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
@internetluke [wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
@UnFitz Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.