If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.