@ieatanddrink

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

You Might Also Like

@FrogAvalanche

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

@krishna_van

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

@WilliamAder

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

@JllyJllyFish

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

@Stoned_Deva_

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

@AnOrangeSNES

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

@Breadery

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

@trevso_electric

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

@internetluke

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

@UnFitz

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.