if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.