If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*watches the world burn*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying