If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy