If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
damn he’s good
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz